Life Without Testosterone

An audio recording of a anonymous man who lost his testosterone. I can’t help feeling like he just described me. Me. What I see. What I think when I walk through the streets when I tour (e.g. NYC). Me. What I relate to. God. My most literal understanding of things. It’s like having what you always known to be your world, interpreted and described by somebody in words.

A grocery list is enough to satisfy my curiousity. Perhaps, knowing everything is in its place, and beautiful is enough to satisfy me. Yes! Like walking down a street, knowing everything is in its place, and everything is beautiful, like the creator taking a walk down the aisle and admiring his finished work of beauty, is enough to satisfy me.

“Who you are, exists independent of any other forces of the universe. And that’s humbling. And it’s terrifying.”

“People who are deprived of testosterone don’t become incredibly rational, they become nonsensical. Because they do not distinguish between what is or isn’t interesting.”

Describe your thoughts on your morning walk.

“I would see a brick in the wall and I would think: ‘a brick in the wall’. I would see a pigeon and I would think ‘pigeon’. It’s the most literal possible understanding of the world.”

So in this time you’re walking down the street, you’re picking things up, just making these very simple observations.

“Like a grocery list.”

Yeah like a grocery list exactly. You also had a thought that comes to you all the time, right?

“Which is a very strange thing. Which is, that is, beautiful. Everything I saw I thought: that is beautiful… Which is odd-sounding I know, because that sounds like the Judgement of A Person with Passion. But it was the exact opposite. It was thought with complete dispassion. With objectivity.”

“The most mundane sight of the world. A weed in the sidewalk. That’s beautiful. The surgery scars on people’s knees. The bolts in the cars. All of it just seem to have purpose. And I was like, ‘Aw that’s beautiful.’ ”

Why do you think it happened?

“The issue of God comes into the equation to me. Without testosterone, it brought me closer to God. Thinking like God. He sees things as they really are. He sees you as you really are. I was seeing through the skin of things. I was seeing things as they really were. And the objective conclusion, not the judgemental one, the objective conclusion was they are beautiful.”

“Perhaps to see things objectively, is to see all of them, as beautiful.”

“But…you have to understand the thought was expressed in the most flatline, boring way possible.”

I would encourage you to listen to the audio recording if this is like you too.

By Chicago Public Radio, presenting This American Life. Episode 220. Titled Testosterone. Originally aired 30 August 2002.

I beg to differ. I think life without testosterone would be very boring. He said he became very humble. Life without testosterone, without desire, would be very bland. And dead. And lifeless. I would rather have desire. I don’t want to live a dead life and walk through day by day like a zombie.

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